I lay writhing in bed on March 31, already apprehensive of what the morning awaits. A single bead of sweat trickles down my forehead. “Why,” you ask. The worst and most useless holiday of the year lies ahead. April Fools’ Day.
April Fools’ Day originated in 1582, originally called “All Fools’ Day.” The point was to perform practical jokes and pranks on others, attempting to trick as many gullible and naïve people as possible. Well, as I happen to be one of those naïve and gullible souls, I would like to say, “thanks a lot, ancestors.”
If there was a way I could go back in time and stop whatever 1500’s peasant decided to come up with that genius idea, I would. April Fools’ Day is arguably one of the worst holidays invented. It’s a celebration for middle school boys and millennials who watch too much of “The Office.” I can’t stand it.
Not only is April Fools’ Day useless, but I also have yet to see a prank that has actually been funny. If I must sit through someone attempting to recreate a “Jim & Pam” prank from “The Office,” I’m going to lose my mind. No more putting random things in Jell-O. No more covering desks in plastic wrap. Society has progressed past the need for this holiday.
If you do happen to be one of those select few who not only enjoys April Fools’ Day but looks forward to it, know that my trust in you has decreased significantly.
People who plan months ahead for this cursed day, who spend 365 days plotting for their next victim, are a special kind of sick in the head. You can’t trust them. You turn your back on them for one second, next thing you know, they’re putting mayonnaise in your yogurt. All I wanted was a good morning snack. Now I’m featured on seven different people’s Snapchat stories.
I say we advance towards a better, more egalitarian holiday. Maybe replace it with “Pay for a College Kid’s Tuition Day” or “Guy Fieri Day.” Better yet, “National Purebred Ferret Day.” Literally anything else. I’m not bitter about constantly being pranked, I just hate this holiday.
Dani Moore can be reached at arg-opinion@edu