The holidays are upon us, and that means sugar plums, Christmas and dreaded holiday dinner conversations.
Every family has them — some good, some not so good. Whether it’s politics, world events or worse, your grades, every family converses during a warm holiday meal.
Luckily, there are always ways to combat these divisive topics.
Let’s say you are in the living room, talking around the fire, when Uncle Frank decides now is the best time to laud President Trump for his outstanding work as leader of the free world.
Being an extremely intelligent and worldly college student, you decide to educate your uncle, because that’s the least you can do. No. Abort. Retreat. Disengage.
Instead, distract them. See that beautiful pie that your mother worked so hard on. Why not let it decorate your cousin Cara’s face? She just joked about your lack of significant other, so reward her accordingly.
Mission accomplished. Uncle Frank forgets about discussing politics and everyone laughs at Cara.
Every student loves answering the inevitable question, “How are your grades?”
Oh wait, you got three C’s and a D this semester. How could parents expect any better, what with the weekly drinking competitions and the fact that your alarm clock mysteriously stopped going off.
To combat this disrespectful questioning of your academic prowess, simply stand absolutely still. If one simply freezes in place the parent will quickly become confused and wander off to find easier prey.
Now, picture this. Dinner is laid out on the table and your mouth begins to water. Just as you take that first bite you hear, “Wait! Let me get my camera.”
There is an easy fix for this. You will need a pair of plastic vampire fangs, fake blood, white face makeup and spray paint. Throw it all together and you have made yourself into a full-fledged vampire. Now you’ll never show up in pictures and can commencing gorging yourself as soon as possible.
No matter the situation, there is always a quick and easy fix if you are creative enough.Some people will say rational thinking and a willingness to compromise is the best way to survive these holiday pitfalls.
What they don’t understand is the predatory nature of a family during Christmas time. It’s an elf eat elf world out there and any sign of weakness will not go unpunished. One must always be ready and willing to go hard in the garland when dealing with vicious siblings and conniving parents.
Use some of these tips as you go into the month of consumerism, I mean Christmas.It’s a difficult time but with a little common sense and fake blood, there isn’t anything you can’t conquer.
Griffen Winget can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org