| 03.17.2018

Caught lube-handed


“Push harder,” Lacey moaned, her toes curled and breathe heavy. “There, is that working?” Dave asked, his muscles taut and slick.

“We have to get this done, put your weight into it,” Lacey begged, and Dave did as she asked – to no result.

Nicole Moeckli | Rawr

Everything would have been fine had Lacey”s mother not called five minutes before to announce her untimely arrival.

Lacey, Dave, and Lacey”s parents had made plans to go out on a Valentine”s Day double date “for fun.” But Lacey knew her parents were having troubles – a night out might rekindle some young, romantic spark her parents still harbored but had forgotten. When she”d mentioned the idea a week earlier, she and her mother had been equally excited.

Now, her mother”s frantic voicemail played across the studio apartment from the small answering machine. Sprawled across crisp sheets and tangled in limbs and rose petals, Lacey thought about how it couldn”t have come at a worse time.

It had been a simple plan, really. Pick up the pre-ordered package from the erotica shop on 3rd Street on the way home from work, swing by Safeway for Dave”s favorite chocolate-covered pretzels and a can of whipped cream, then be home with enough time to get ready for dinner at Maialina”s with Mom and Dad. The frisky night would ensue when they got home.

But when she reached the apartment, Lacey found candles, flowers and a love note from her husband. One thing led to another – there was no harm in a pre-dinner quickie, right? – but they soon found themselves in a hurried situation.

Now, as Dave strained and Lacey fought to remember the romance of Valentine”s Day before her mother arrived in what was sure to be crisis mode, a perfect night had officially turned south.

“Maybe I should use that strawberry lube that came in the package,” Dave”s eyes widened as he made the suggestion.

“Sure, why not,” Lacey said, rolling her eyes.

The stench of artificial fruit filled the room as Dave applied a liberal amount of lube to the desired area. After a bit of aggressive jostling and grunting, the deed went still undone. Steps approached the door and the couple”s eyes met.

“Crap,” Lacey whispered. “My mom”s here.”

Dave hopped off the bed and grabbed his pants from the desk chair he”d so nonchalantly thrust them upon in the heat of the earlier moment. As Lacey”s mother knocked – once gently, then twice with vigor – he hid the lube back in the package of what were meant to be exotic Valentine”s Day treats and shot a panicked look toward Lacey as the door opened.

In all the excitement, they”d forgotten to lock it. They never had visitors – aside from Lacey”s emotionally distraught and clearly impatient mother, coming off yet another explosive fight with Lacey”s father.

Dave stood halfway between the bed and the doorway, shirtless, with his jeans unzipped and hair thoroughly tousled – a deer in headlights.

Lacey lay sprawled on the bed in sheer, black lingerie. Her right hand covered her face while her left remained elevated, chained to the bedframe by a pair of pink, furry handcuffs. The strawberry slime coated the better part of her forearm and wrist, which had chafed in the process of Dave attempting to push her hand through the shockingly sturdy erotica shop cuffs.

“What “¦” Lacey”s mom stuttered. “I”m sorry I barged in “¦”

“It”s fine, it”s fine,” Lacey muttered from behind her hand before finally making eye contact with her flustered mother. “The shop shorted me the key to these damn cuffs. Can you get over here and help me pull while Dave pushes?”

Lyndsie Kiebert can be reached at arg-arts@uidaho.edu or on Twitter @lyndsie_kiebert

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