Libra 9/23-10/22
The love of your life is in Moscow this week. Moscow, Russia, that is … So, book a redeye and get a move on.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
If you feel like you are being followed but don”t know why, it might be that squirrel you kicked a rock at last week, and he is holding a grudge.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
It is crucial that you read all seven “Harry Potter” novels by the end of this week. A long overdue Hogwarts acceptance letter is in your future. Say bye to UI, its broomsticks and butterbeer from here on out.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
You will wake up to find that your entire life has been a reality TV show; sadly, it will be canceled due to boring content.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
That big midterm you have been sweating over – don”t sweat it. Netflix is the new study guide. Crack open that laptop and get watching.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Your recurring dream will become real this week. Let”s just hope it”s not that nightmare where you run through campus naked while being chased by Bigfoot.
Aries 3/21-4/19
If you find yourself feeling down this week, play that old Justin Bieber CD you have been hiding in the back of your closet and turn it up for the entire campus to hear. We won”t judge you.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
Tomorrow, all of those Farmville requests you sent as a thirteen-year-old may come back to haunt you. It might be best to stay off of Facebook.
Gemini 5/21-6/21
That secret wish you made on your fifth birthday will come true in the next few days. Expect several monkeys and a semi truck full of cotton candy to show up at your door.
Cancer 6/22-7/22
A week free of stress is headed your way, so don”t do anything to screw it up, like getting out of bed, walking outside or being a college student.
Leo 7/23-8/22
This week you will help mankind and take in that stray cat you”ve been seeing around campus, just to find out that it has rabies.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
It would be best to keep a fire extinguisher handy over the next few days. You never know when the dust on those unused textbooks will burst into flames.