Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Clay Matthews will appear in a dream to inform you that your hair will never be as good as his. This is 100 percent accurate.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
I’m sorry, but saying “Paint me like one of your French girls” to a complete stranger will not, in fact, result in them giving you their number.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
There is no shame in dancing around to Iggy Azalea in the morning while you get ready for an awesome day. Just keep in mind that your roommate is watching and happens to be severely judgmental.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Set a short-term goal for this week. If you don’t achieve it, eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting. Everyone wins.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
You’re going to be productive this week, but first you have to close Netflix. Despite binge watching Grey’s Anatomy, you are a college student, not a doctor. You may not be able to perform heart surgery, but you can log into Blackboard.
Aries 3/21-4/19
Recall the saying, “Wake up an hour earlier so that you can live an hour more.” But then consider that it is now November in Moscow and your bed is much warmer than the day that awaits you.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
You’re known to be fairly reserved. Don’t be afraid to spice up your life this week. But not necessarily with pumpkin spice — just regular spice.
Gemini 5/21-6/21
You might lose some sleep this week while contemplating the purpose of your existence, true justice and whether anyone has ever actually killed two birds with one stone.
Cancer 6/22-7/22
If a time machine is miraculously invented this week, please don’t waste your time going back to 4th grade so you can write a more stealthy love note to pass to Brad. It will still be intercepted, and Brad still won’t love you.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do. It is absolutely critical you wear your underwear on the outside of your pants this week.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
You might experience a sense of rage this week when a friend begins singing “Let It Go” after you advise them to let something go. Acting on that rage will result in applause from bystanders.
Libra 9/23-10/22
Call your grandma. She misses you.