A sales pitch for overachieving college students
Are you an overachieving student? Do you fear that near perfect grades and hard work will get you nowhere in life? Then I have the perfect solution for you.
Aleya Ericson
From the inventors of Who’s Who of Suckers, introducing the Society of Honor, Justice, Truth, Leadership, Accountability, Teamwork and Perfection. The Society is one of the oldest honor organizations in the world. Much like wine, a fine honor society only improves with age. After all, longevity of a specific club is not a title just anyone can claim.
We have members who have won Nobel Prizes, Pulitzer Prizes, Nobel Pulitzer Prizes, become president, ascended to the throne of England, killed Sauron and tamed Jaws with their bare hands. Some members even managed to accomplish those feats simultaneously. Those members didn’t just manage to do this on their own initiative — claiming membership to the Society during college was the catalyst they needed for success 30 years after graduation.
Due to your high GPA, I am offering you this exclusive opportunity to enhance your life. You have been carefully and individually chosen for this offer, along with every other student from the list of those with high GPAs we could find.
For the mere membership price of $10,000, you too can buy the right to join the Society. As a member, you become eligible to win scholarships, grants and even a brand new car. While some organizations guarantee applying actually has a chance to benefit you financially, here at the Society, we take your hard earned money and offer the rich allure of mystery in return.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Aleya, why should I join this Society above all others?”
The Society offers many benefits that give us an advantage over competitors. Our whole organization’s name contains seven employment buzzwords. That is a full four buzzwords over other honor societies. Imagine the look on a potential employer’s face as they see an extracurricular activity that fills multiple lines of a resume.
And there’s more. Society members receive two pins and two certificates. That is twice the amount of insignia stamped paper other societies offer. People will admire you as you sport our two metal pins that you bought for $10,000.
Since this invitation is so special, I am going to assume anyone who reads this will accept. So, it is my pleasure to invite you to the Society’s initiation banquet. To make you want to invite your family and friends, this is a banquet, not a mere dinner — dinner would imply this is not going to be fancy. Family and friends will cost extra, since the Society cannot be expected to survive on $10,000 alone.
It is my honor to pre-emptively congratulate you on joining me and the rest of the Society. Just as long you fork over the cold hard cash, of course.
Aleya Ericson can be reached at [email protected]