What does it mean to be queer?

As a queer identifying person, I can say it is hard to find which terms to identify with.

I have always struggled with my sexual identity. Nothing seemed to fit. Throughout the years, I have identified with bisexual, demisexual, lesbian and gay. I have cycled through all of these, but none feel right.

Finding a sexual identity can be harder than one thinks, especially because I am also confused about who I am attracted to.

I have always known that I am attracted to women, but the older I get, I realize I’m attracted to fewer and fewer men. I am also open to anyone who identifies in-between genders. I like to think a person’s soul is what I am truly attracted to.

Throughout high school I dated guys and girls. Now I seem uninterested in any date I go on.

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There are all sorts of factors I blame for that lack of interest. Coming from rural Idaho I also still have some internalized homophobia toward myself.

Luckily, when I realize I am beating myself up over my sexual identity I can ask myself one question: What sits right with me?

Though I am a bit of everything, why can’t I just pick one and stay with it? Being a part of the LGBTQA community gives me an unlimited amount of freedom to choose which terms I identify with. Because I am so indecisive, it is hard to pick just one. I don’t have to, but it also makes it easier to say one when people ask.

Picking an identity isn’t just about who you are attracted to, it is also what term aligns with you and your essence. I could just pick a term and run with it, but that is what I have been trying to do my entire life.

If I were comfortable doing that then I would not be in an identity predicament.

Being LGBTQA means I get to choose my label, which is really comforting. Though I can identify with bisexual, demisexual, lesbian or gay, there is an umbrella term I have recently learned – identifying as queer.

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Being queer has a sort of beauty to it. Queer is an umbrella term for people who are a part of the LGBTQA community. It is also a label, but it has so much variety to it – it doesn’t have to be just one thing.

This is what I have been looking for, a choice where I don’t have to choose – it just feels right.

Though I like women and sometimes men, I don’t have to choose a specific label. The world’s judgements and my own have faded while using this term because of how inclusive it is.

Young me would be so happy to finally find something that fit, having struggled with my identity for so long. If I could go back and tell my young, queer self something, it would be to not worry about finding a sexual identity so soon. Things will work themselves out – including ourselves.

Emily Pearce can be reached at [email protected].