They say that universities are so much more than brick and mortar and parking lots. No, universities should be defined by those who populate them.
According to the University of Idaho’s promotional materials, such a definition is wrongfully limited to civilized humans.
Over the course of the year, our campus is home to a variety of animals ranging from intimidating to cute, including fearless squirrels, armies of worms and the occasional rabbit. The squirrels get all the love on meme pages, but we would be remiss to withhold recognition from the rest as well.
Based on completely subjective criteria and strictly my own experiences, I am proud to present the holistic power ranking of the animals with whom we share this campus.
Jonah Baker | Argonaut
5. Gnats/Worms
I put these in the same category because they bug us in the same ways. During a very brief couple of weeks in the fall, tiny flying insects fill the air and ruin countless white shirts and become very real choking hazards. In the spring, rain summons thousands of worms of varying sizes from the ground and puts them in harm’s way along our sidewalks. In both cases, thousands of these creatures annoy the heck out of us and are summarily killed, some with intent and some not. Regardless, there is no purpose for these creatures except to mess up our clothes and get in the way.
4. Birds
It would be one thing if birds of prey populated the Moscow-Pullman area but that is not the case. Instead, we get populations of geese during the late spring and summer along with other common birds that are mostly just responsible for pooping everywhere and posturing aggressively at passersby. In short, if there is any chance that it will poop on me, it’s not going to make it very far on this list.
3. Squirrels
Squirrels are the great enigma of campus animals. They do not terrify or annoy in the same manner that birds and bugs do, but they impose a certain will on campus all the same.
Typically weighing in at just around a single pound, campus squirrels are almost certainly punching above their weight when they give the death-stare to anyone crossing Hello Walk without their permission. Regardless, they unexplainably exude an aura that is not to be messed with, as if they are just as peeved about rising tuition costs as the students are. If they ever combine forces with the geese, we may have to vacate campus or at least call in the National Guard. Such a battle would nevertheless be quite entertaining.
2. Frat boys (excuse me, fraternity men)
In case you were living under a rock during the weeks leading up to UIdaho Bound, you might have noticed spring has sprung. Like Punxsutawney Phil, frat boys emerge from their haunts in spring and bring with them the unmistakable signs of warmer weather, like sidewalk frisbee tossing, shorts and Sperrys in 50 degree weather and music blaring as soon as the clock strikes noon.
There are still few things stronger than a pack of frat boys with their minds set to one goal, which leads to both remarkable philanthropy and debauchery in equal parts. In some cases it is difficult to find the definitive line between fraternity life and animal society, so the fraternity members on campus deserve mention on this list (myself included, sorry mom).
1. Rabbits
They’re cute, unproblematic and just rare enough that seeing one feels like a sure sign of good luck. If we didn’t already have a unique and historic mascot, I would be more than happy to draw up a brand for the University of Idaho ‘Thumpers” in honor of our best animal co-habitants.
Jonah Baker can be reached at [email protected]