Giving advice is deceptively complex. For my dad to advise me on getting grass stains out of my favorite pair of jeans, he would need to do three things.
First, he would need to have some experience laundering grass stains. Second, he would need to have consolidated that experience into a general method – say applying a mixture of vinegar and laundry detergent to the stain. Finally, he would need to consider whether or not his solution works on denim.
It doesn’t all happen at once, but giving advice usually follows this three step process: one reflects on one’s experiences, comes to general principles and then applies those principles to a particular situation.
But often the process becomes muddy and the advice becomes bad, especially when the topic goes beyond something as immediate and practical as laundry.
Say I ask a friend whether or not I should stay in a relationship with someone who is about to study abroad in Morocco.
My friend will first reflect on her experiences with long-distance relationships, which might consist of anything from having been in one to having seen “The Notebook.”
Then she will come to general principles about long-distance relationships based on her experiences. Maybe she had a significant other who cheated on her while they were apart and feels few people can be trusted enough to make long-distance relationships work. Maybe Ryan Gosling convinced her distant love is the truest love.
Finally – if I’m lucky – she will give me specific advice regarding my particular relationship rather than long-distance relationships in general.
But at every step of the way, the advice-giving process leaves room for miscommunication and irrelevance.
People can draw very different principles from the same experiences. From a failed long-distance relationship one can decide that the couple was incompatible, that they were too many time zones apart, that one of them was a bad person or any number of conclusions that might lead to very different pieces of advice in the futur
Further, people can apply the same principle to the same situation differently. I might agree with my friend that few people can be trusted enough to make long-distance relationships work. But maybe I feel my significant other is among them while my friend suspects my partner’s eye will wander on the hot Moroccan beaches.
In the end, it makes more sense for my friend to share her experiences instead of her advice, and to leave the analysis and interpretation to me.
Good advice is specific, practical and tends to come from someone who knows the person asking for advice pretty well. It tells people things like which professor to take organic chemistry from, where the best Mexican food in the area is or how to get grass stains out of one’s favorite jeans.
Sadly, good advice is also rare because people prefer to deliver the type of broad pronouncement we hear in commencement speeches and on Dr. Phil.
We are more effective when we tell people what we have seen and done instead of telling them what to do. At least that’s my experience.
Danny Bugingo can be reached at [email protected]