Horoscopes — 7.5.17

Cancer 6/21-7/22

You never cried when you fell on the playground and you only shed a single Braveheart man-tear that time you were pantsed in front of your sixth-grade gym class. Never let ‘em see you sweat, Cancer.

Leo 7/23-8/22

Leo, you’re lookin’ a bit rough. You are the goddamn king of the jungle. Maybe it’s time to find a new job that’s a bit less stressful. Professional figure model, perhaps?

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Remember when your mom said you could be anything you wanted and you thought maybe you could be an astronaut or a world leader or something cool? Yeah … maybe take a personal day to figure out where your life went wrong, Virgo.

Libra 9/23-10/22

You’ve been working hard and it’s time to blow off some steam, Libra. Just remember to be careful not to flush your watch down the toilet at the bar again.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

A penny saved is a penny earned. But, let’s be honest, what’s a penny in a capitalist society? Treat yo’self.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

I know they’re convenient, but fanny packs were never a good look and are not making a comeback, Sagittarius. Leave them and your other ‘90s apparel in the dust, and please, for the love of all that is holy, never, ever look back.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Feeling like politicians, athletes and pretty much everyone sucks? This week is a good week for taking a break from social media.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

Sick of seeing all of these engagement and baby announcements on social media? Thinking you may be better off alone? You’re right, Aquarius. Maybe you should consider adopting a dog or five.

Pisces 2/19-3/20

Maybe you should reevaluate your life and the choices that got you here — no time like the present to try to salvage your dignity.

Aries 3/21-4/19

Aries, things are looking up for you! You can keep this up if you continue to make good choices like paying your bills on time and maybe try eating a vegetable with dinner, like, at least once.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

It’s never easy, Taurus. But anytime you’re feeling low, remember how much fun the cast of “Friends” had, and, just like you, their jobs were jokes, they were broke, and their love lives were DOA.

Gemini 5/21-6/21

I know your mom said it’s an unhealthy habit to bottle up your feelings or to drink to forget or whatever she’s nagging you about this week… but look at grandpa. He’s a silent man who loves a good scotch. Keep doin’ you, Gemini.


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