Every December, children across the globe spend Christmas Eve laying in bed while anxiously waiting on an impending visit from Santa Claus. These kids sneak out of their bedrooms to sit by the tinsel-covered tree in the hopes of catching a glimpse of the infamous red suit or hear the sound of reindeer hooves on the roof. Claus is an international icon and mythical figure known in various cultures by a wide variety of names — Saint Nicholas, Kris Kringle and Father Christmas.
He developed an electrifying persona as perhaps the biggest celebrity in all of human history and boasts a popularity status that is unparalleled by any entertainer. With the establishment of Claus’ position as a cultural icon, people need to ask themselves an important question: Who is the man under the crimson suit?
To approach this question, a person should first conduct a thorough review of Claus from a professional standpoint. He routinely demonstrates irresponsible business behavior, like allowing an inexperienced employee to guide international flight operations because of a physical oddity. His organization also experiences a fourth-quarter profit loss every year because of exorbitant expenses for toy products and heating bills in frigid conditions. Another eye-raising concern is his treatment of employees. Although Claus boasts an immense workforce, nearly all of these individuals are hired into unpaid internships in an effort to cut costs around the workshop.
The holiday figure’s omnipresence and ability to watch children while they sleep raises an additional cause for concern, not to mention his possession of a list containing names and addresses of the “naughtiest” individuals in society. Claus also endorses a lifestyle of obesity during the holiday season through the promotion of peppermint candy and sugary chocolate drinks. He is well-known for gobbling down cookies at an unprecedented pace during Christmas Eve, resulting in a large protruding belly that cannot be hid underneath an XXXL red coat. But perhaps Claus’ most egregious sin is his decision to commit an immeasurable number of felonies every December. Instead of seeking permission to enter households across the globe, he instead slinks in via the chimney and creeps through the kitchen in search of food to pacify his insatiable hunger for sweets.
Although Claus’ gift-giving intentions appear good-natured, his business actions leave a number of unanswered and alarming questions. With the holidays quickly approaching, are you going to feel comfortable letting this man lurk about your home?
Josh Grissom can be reached at email@example.com or on Twitter @GoshJrissom