Horoscopes: March 31, 2016

Aries 3/21-4/19    

Someone replaced all of your pencils in your pencil bag with quills and ink wells that leaked all over your bag. Buy a new bag and a fingerprint dusting kit. Analyze the fingerprints, look for anomalies, cross-reference the anomalies with the police database, by quills and ink wells. Take revenge.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Garden gnomes will be stalking you this month armed with Whoopi Cushions. Look before you sit.

Gemini 5/21-6/21

Having a rough week? That chain text message you didn”t forward in the seventh grade because you were convinced not sending one text to 10 people wouldn”t “give u bad luck 4 life” is probably why.

Cancer 6/22-7/22

Close your eyes for five seconds, then open them. Reach into your pocket. Turn it inside out. There”s nothing in there, but you probably looked really silly.

Leo 7/23-8/22

Go in your room and open the biggest drawer on the right side of your desk. Inside you will find: Windex, bleach spray, paper towels, lint rollers and a sponge.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Gather all the dust bunnies in your apartment and start a family. Teach them philosophy, mathematics, English and science subjects. Give them a better life than you had.

Libra 9/23-10/22

This month you will be offered lots of gum from your friends. Don”t trust them, it”s a trick. The gum will be rigged with a finger clap or electronic pulses.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

Did you feel that tap on your right shoulder? Look to your left. That person that”s standing closest to you whistling and acting nonchalant, it was them.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Congratulations – something good will happen to you this week, probably.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

You will come into a large sum of money next week. However, the stars cannot tell if it is because you won the lottery or became a bookie.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

The first day of April was canceled this year and will be replaced by an extra day in March. Don”t forget to write today”s date: March 32, on all of your papers.  

Pisces 2/19-3/20

Go into your shoe closet and tie all of the shoelaces inside. It”s bad luck in April to have untied shoes. You will also seem more put together.

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