In other news, researchers have discovered an entirely new language.
Extensive linguistic research, conducted by Professor Xavier at Oxford, has discovered something incredibly interesting: a new language. He is calling it Acronymian.
The clipped, guttural and mostly consonant dialect was discovered when Professor Xavier, fondly known as Professor X, collaborated on a research project with one of his American students. This student would text or email X with words that had little to no vowels and meant full sentences.
When questioned what “FYI” meant in an email, the student laughed and replied “for your information.”
X then proceeded to investigate this foreign language further.
Nicole Moeckli | Rawr
His final report stated that Acronymian is a highly advantageous language to learn, and he encourages country leaders around the world to offer courses in Acronymian both at primary and secondary levels of schooling, in addition to the university level. He said it will help prepare youth for part of living life in the newish generations.
Most of the world has already implemented parts of the Acronymian language into their culture and daily routines. From teenage slang – DDR, COD, YOLO, LOL, etc. – to stock market call orders – AAPL, AMZN, COST, GOOG, etc. – people everywhere are using the contemporary speech.
Research from the Universal Glossology and Glottology Harbinger (UGGH) suggest that nearly 89 percent of all households in developed countries have been exposed to the lingo epidemic. Roughly 90 percent of those families have young children and teenagers.
UGGH suggests these young people are the ones introducing Acronymian slang periodically as the popular culture trends change. An anonymous researcher at UGGH Labs told us that these numbers are violently influenced by trends on social media.
In an interview with a man living in Los Angles, we found that a 42-year-old man learned new Acronymian phrases from his son every day.
For example, he had just recently earned what the phrase “YOLO” meant.
“It”s like Gandhi”s phrase, “you only live once,” except it sites “living” as just about anything,” he said. “Partying late at night? YOLO. Not doing a term assignment? YOLO. It”s quite inspiring, really.”
He told reporters he was glad he had thought to enroll his 12-year-old son in an Acronymian tutoring class a few years earlier.
UGGH research also implies thousands of phrases in the Acronymian language exist, as well as hundreds of different dialects. The fields of money, politics, popular culture, teaching, medical, military and so on all have their own definition for similar phrases.
For example, “HB” can stand for hemoglobin, happy birthday, hamburger or hot babe depending on which vernacular one is speaking or what social sphere the speaker is in. Of course, these are the only ones that have been discovered. UGGH has found that stock market call phrases seem to be unique to just the stock market.
Surveys of many businesses have also given researchers staggering numbers. Nearly 78 percent of employees in any form of business have to take Acronymian courses before being hired or even interviewed. The Bureau of Survey (BS) also found that many young people entering the workforce have had exposure to the modern dialect due to coursework at universities or slang terms used in their social circles.
BS CEO Privee Fleet told interviewers that this survey was focused solely on those in a business circle. Stockbrokers, bank tellers and politicians are strongly advised to be fluent in all dialects of Acronymian. Waitresses, dockworkers and some teachers need only know the most basic phrases of their workplace lingo.
So what can society do about this? Simple, Fleet said.
“We can encourage our children to speak Acronymian at home as well as attending speech classes,” Fleet said. “By the time kids are in college, they will know which dialect is going to most important for their future career and lifetime success.”
Instead of using any English at home, everyone can save time by using mostly consonants, shorter words and otherwise butchering the English language.
Acronymian is the language of tomorrow”s generation, so the world needs to prepare for them today, Professor X said.
“It”s APLLING (a part of living life in newish generations),” X said.
Claire Whitley can be reached at [email protected]