After that first meeting, I knew that we were in love. I had dated so many people at this point that I didn”t quite know what to do with myself.
From Jan with the two cats to Shelby in the blue house, I had had my fair share of lovers: all of which had some fatal flaw that made our relationship impossible. I knew this one had to be different. I was entranced by her physically, and gazed at her, glassy-eyed, as she wove her fine threads of religious liturgy into my worn-out-tapestry of a metaphysical brain.
When we parted ways after accidentally running into each other, which led to an hour-long interlocution about everyday life, she became part of an incomprehensible amount of my future.
The trees here are my favorite. The dark red bark of each one blends into the next, and while I zone out into this rosy canvas, my mind paints pictures of the past before me. I often wonder if this isn”t its way of telling me that the answers I seek can be found within some moment I have already lived. Each time someone passes by, they probably observe some sort of frown upon my face right now due to some things I am forcing myself to review.
At one point last night, I felt completely independent. It had been maybe a decade or more since I knew such a dreadful state-of-mind. I may as well have gone to sea and never come back, for I cared for nothing at that point.
Beyond obligation, beyond regret my body seemed like it was all that held me down from accidentally drifting into space. We had just fought, like normal, except now there was, for the first time, a crevice that one of us would have to bridge in order for some sort of love to be restored. Those green eyes which seemed like I had just fallen in love with yesterday, now pierced all my insecurities as they stood out from the rest of her face, bloodshot, and accusing. She knew God like no one else I had ever met, and defended him, or them, or it, or she (whatever she was addressing it as at the moment) like it was her only purpose here on earth. I knew that I was unworthy to stand even in her presence, let alone be loved by her, but I held on as children cling to their mothers after being separated for the first time …
I sank deeper into the abysmal maroon bark and felt all the strings I had tied to her come undone. I didn”t want this to happen. I may as well have been shipped to a prison for a crime I had not committed. Something had changed. Nothing was wrong with me, yet nothing would ever be the same again between us. I felt a doubt about heaven and perfunctorily shoved it back down my throat, although I wanted to verbalize everything I felt. I felt dank and dirty for shoving it away, yet maybe that was the point. I know that I am unable to step away, for I am only alive because of God, and those green eyes are my material savior. I feel the blood rushing to my face as rage fills my soul. I think I could”ve just stopped living right there. I am unholy. I am antithetical to good. I hold her back. But I feel so lost, yet safe standing next to her.
It”s getting dark now, both outside and in. I won”t move. I might stay here forever, I don”t know. Nothing is planned. Everything is planned, I just can”t know it. I can stroll home from here in about five minutes, returning to the silence I had left.
The house is really only ever filled with her beautiful voice, so when she”s not talking, it sounds kind of like meditation. At some point in the night I wake up because I am being stabbed. I am screaming, but not aloud. Dreams seem to give me literal guidance, but not tonight. I shiver in my discomfort, the air is frigid and so are my thoughts. How can I continue to question the love and power of the Omnipotent? I have never felt such discomfort and disgust with myself. I know I will pose this question again, and how much power it has over me.
Will Meyer can be reached at [email protected]