I hate pumpkins. There, I said it. I”ve never liked pumpkins – it wasn”t just their sudden spike of popularity among the young/hipster population that fueled my hatred. But for some reason the mania revolving around pumpkin spice flavoring is ever increasing, to the point where it is now completely out of control.
There are plenty of things that should never be infused with the evils of pumpkin spice, but here are just a few:
Summer
In case anyone hasn”t noticed, we”re still in summer people. Fall doesn”t officially start until Sept. 23, and yet pumpkin spice is already being advertised all over the place.
It”s bad enough that Christmas decorations are already being sold in the local department stores. I only want to be subjected to pumpkin spice promos during certain times of the year. I am not prepared for this overload coming so soon.
Meat
Before everyone goes accusing me of making this stuff up, I have to unfortunately confirm that some people actually do this. A few humans roast their pork loins with pumpkin spice and you can buy pumpkin spice-flavored chicken sausages at some grocery stores.
I don”t know what I can even say about this. This fact hurts my soul.
Chewing gum
This is probably just cinnamon flavored gum without the spiciness, in all honesty. But this is a real thing, too.
While the mere concept itself defies all points of logic, what really grinds my gears is the fact that the people who chew this atrocity are doing it with the intent of making their breath smell like pumpkin spice.
Hold on, now I need a minute to collect myself. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Other sweet treats
There are so many other delicious desserts out there that are available to everyone year-round. It makes a girl wonder why so many others even waste their time on pumpkin spice flavoring, let alone prefer it.
However, some candies, including M&Ms and salted caramel dark chocolate clusters, have caved to the temptation. It”s tragic really. I”ll still eat them in their original forms, but I don”t think I”ll ever be able to look at them the same way again.
Thankfully, many tasty delicacies have resisted the urge of the pumpkin spice craze and haven”t tainted their product. God help us if any of us ever have to endure pumpkin spice flavored Skittles or Sour Patch Kids.
Pet food
Why? Why is this a thing?
Are some people really so cruel that they choose to force their furry friends to the same torture the rest of us dealwith during autumn? They”re innocent and don”t know any better. The worst part is that most of the food is labeled as a “treat,” which is the biggest load of crap I”ve ever heard.
Light bulbs
Yes, this is real, before you ask.
Try me. People can actually buy this on Amazon. If you”re an Amazon Prime customer you can get it in two days with free shipping. It”ll get here well before the appropriate time of year for you to use it, but it”s not like that has stopped anyone else.
To clarify, there are real orange light bulbs that emit the stench of pumpkin spice after being lit up.
Again, I just need to ask: why?
Hygiene products
Fortunately, the myths of pumpkin spice toothpaste and Old Spice are just that, myths. But there are a few pumpkin spice-scented lotions and hand creams out there. Just knowing this makes me feel strangely sticky.
Real talk. If you truly are so obsessed with pumpkin spice that you want to embrace its unnatural odor and smell like it 24 hours a day, you should get some professional help. Seriously.
Pumpkin pie
This was not a mistake. I will always and forever be an advocate against pumpkin pie. In fact, pumpkin pie is what sparked my initial disgust toward pumpkin flavoring in general.
You want to know how I know that pumpkin pies aren”t all they”re cracked up to be? No one indulges in pumpkin pies outside of the months of October, November and December. You would take notice if someone was scarfing down a pumpkin pie in the middle of April, because it”s weird – don”t deny it.
They don”t even taste good! I would rather stick to a traditional shepherd”s pie during the holidays. It”s savory, and it”s better for me “¦ I think.
Whatever, it”s better than pumpkin.
Erin Bamer can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter @ErinBamer