Taurus 4/20-5/20
The good news is that when the asteroid hits, you will be safe and sound in a secret underground bunker stocked with a lifetime supply of Swedish Fish. The bad news is there will be no Netflix, so you will probably still die.
Gemini 5/21-6/21
Everybody knows each Gemini has a twin. If you don’t believe me, feel free to ignore the little voice trying to communicate telepathically with you at 3:43 a.m. Sunday.
Cancer 6/22-7/22
You are stoked for the sunshine, and so are the wasps. It’s probably not a good idea to go anywhere near your car this weekend, because they chose your snazzy Volkswagen to plant a nest and throw a rager.
Leo 7/23-8/22
The world needs a hero like you. Strap on your flannel Power Rangers cape and stop that old lady from crashing her grocery cart into the cereal aisle.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
$10 says you are reading this right now. $100 says you are still reading this, and if you keep reading this you’ll owe Scorpios $177.21 with 8 percent interest.
Libra 9/23-10/22
It’s probably been the longest wait of your life and it only came seven years late, but the persistent praying to the Wizard Gods has paid off. You are getting your Hogwarts letter this week. Jeez, you don’t have to scream so loud.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21 Congratulations. Thanks to all the Virgos reading their horoscope, you just earned $191.39. It’s a shame, though, because after reading this you have to donate all your winnings to Pisces. They had a really bad week.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Time to start saving up your nickels. The only options you have left are stealing your roommate’s food or raiding the vending machines.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
You are going to have a dream that your nostrils fill up with excess skin and you can no longer smell. When you wake up, it will have actually happened. Fair warning.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
I know you want to take a sledgehammer to your professor’s house, but having that on your record will just make your life more miserable than it already is.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Your Netflix account got canceled, no thanks to your roommate. Take the $191.39 the Scorpios are being forced to give you.
Aries 3/21-4/19
Thank God you are friends with a Taurus. You joined them in the underground bunker and were smart enough to bring your portable 4G router to binge-watch “Supernatural.” Don’t tell Taurus you have it and you’ll outlive them for sure.