| 03.19.2018

Horoscopes 4.24.15


Taurus 4/20-5/20 

You will sleep through a test this week, unless you set Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors” as your alarm. Just do it.

Gemini 5/21-6/21

Don’t try to feed the snack machine a nickel. It will spit it back in your face and you will never get your beloved Snickers.

Cancer 6/22-7/22

Be on the lookout for a mysterious figure who will bring you glad tidings. Also, do your laundry. It’s starting to pile up.

Leo 7/23-8/22

Just because it’s sunny for a day or two does not mean you should take off your shirt and talk about crossfit. In fact, that’s really never a good idea, regardless of your sign.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

If you go to the bars this week, you will probably spend most of your money and consume many beverages. The same thing will happen next week. Consider yourself warned.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Tip your fast food severs. You never know when you will need them to have your back.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 If you travel to Oregon, you will not be allowed to pump your own gas. Plan accordingly and be prepared for awkward encounters by the pump.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

At some point this week you will wish you lived closer to the ocean. Suck it up princess. You don’t.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Avoid all stairs this week. Sometimes people trip on them and it’s easy to burn way too many calories. Also, avoid the elevator, sometimes they get stuck in the movies.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

If you made it this far in these horoscopes you will be blessed by 18 minutes of good luck, redeemable at any time.

Pisces 2/19-3/20    

There is a high probability a bird will target you for some long range bombing. I recommend wearing a trash bag as a hat whenever you are outdoors.

Aries 3/21-4/19

If you cross the street in front of a red convertible, you will have good luck for a week. If you cross the street in front of a large diesel truck, you will smell like exhaust for a week.

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