| 03.18.2018

Horoscopes 4.10.15


Aries 3/21-4/19

Pro-tip: Just because you have a basket full of chocolate Easter eggs doesn’t mean you should eat them all.

Taurus 4/20-5/20  

Pants suck. Stop wearing them. You’re welcome.

Gemini 5/21-6/21

You might think you want a cat, but if you get one it’s a slippery slope and the life of a crazy cat person isn’t far off in your future. Meow.

Cancer 6/22-7/22

Pull a Britney and shave it off. Shave it all off. You know you want to.

Leo 7/23-8/22

Squeak squeaker, squeaks squeakin squeak squeakin. Squeaker.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Ain’t no rust on the happiness bus. Until you get a flat tire. Then the bus will sit untouched for years, rotting and rusting and forgotten. Just like your soul.

Libra 9/23-10/22 

If you think good things come to those who wait, you’re right. Except for jobs. Jobs don’t come to anyone, not even college graduates.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 You can have as much sex as you want. But if you don’t use protection you will get pregnant. And die.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Stop trying to teach people how to Dougie. That’s so 2010.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Your car will be covered in Post-it notes by the time you read this. Whoops. Too late.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

Step away from the spicy condiments. Your roommates will thank you.

Pisces 2/19-3/20    

Keep introducing yourself as Leslie Knope, city council candidate and deputy director of the parks department, and eventually you will find your Ben Wyatt.

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