Pro-tip: Just because you have a basket full of chocolate Easter eggs doesn’t mean you should eat them all.
Pants suck. Stop wearing them. You’re welcome.
You might think you want a cat, but if you get one it’s a slippery slope and the life of a crazy cat person isn’t far off in your future. Meow.
Pull a Britney and shave it off. Shave it all off. You know you want to.
Squeak squeaker, squeaks squeakin squeak squeakin. Squeaker.
Ain’t no rust on the happiness bus. Until you get a flat tire. Then the bus will sit untouched for years, rotting and rusting and forgotten. Just like your soul.
If you think good things come to those who wait, you’re right. Except for jobs. Jobs don’t come to anyone, not even college graduates.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21 You can have as much sex as you want. But if you don’t use protection you will get pregnant. And die.
Stop trying to teach people how to Dougie. That’s so 2010.
Your car will be covered in Post-it notes by the time you read this. Whoops. Too late.
Step away from the spicy condiments. Your roommates will thank you.
Keep introducing yourself as Leslie Knope, city council candidate and deputy director of the parks department, and eventually you will find your Ben Wyatt.