Why I stayed

Do not judge Janay Rice and other abuse victims

Everyone has either seen or heard of the Ray Rice video that popped up from TMZ over a week ago, showing Rice knocking his then fiancée, now wife Janay Palmer, out cold. After the video was exposed, people were outraged all over again, and the NFL suspended Rice indefinitely from all games.

But even though the NFL, Nike and his  team deserted Rice after seeing his true colors, his wife defended him on Instagram, saying the media had destroyed their lives.

“To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing … if your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you’ve succeeded on so many levels,” Janay wrote on her account.

When Janay decided to stand by her husband, who undoubtedly abused her, people were outraged, and an online  comments war ensued. People said such things as, “she’s only in it for the money,” “what a dumb woman” and “why don’t you just leave him, idiot.”

It’s not that easy.

For most people in an abusive relationship, there’s no witnesses or hidden cameras in their houses. Furthermore, most abuse victims are rarely subjected to only physical violence. Usually, physical abuse brings emotional and mental abuse as well.

The scars from these relationships follows victims for the rest of their lives — altering how they think, feel and perceive situations. It affects future relationships, families, school and work. A study conducted by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention stated that one in four women will suffer from an abusive partner at some time in an abusive partner at some time in their lives.

Look around at your group of friends. Who do you think has suffered from abuse? And if they are suffering, why are they not saying anything?

In light of the subject there is something I must confess. Over two years ago, I was a victim of an abusive relationship.

What’s in the past is in the past, and I have no need or want to comb through the details. However, I do believe that admitting my experience can help other women on our campuses speak up. There are many reasons why we decide to stay for so long and many more reasons why we choose not to tell our friends and loved ones.

The Domestic Abuse Project, a nonprofit group that works to educate and help those in abusive relationships, wrote an article that gave a laundry list of reasons why abuse victims stay in these relationships. The reasons include kids, love, past abuse, mental blocks and more.

Abuse is a cycle, one I know too well, and it’s hard to break that cycle. According to The Domestic Abuse Project, the cycle has three phases.

The first phase is called tension building. This is a time where tension mounts, and small fights occur. Victims make sure to tip toe around their abuser to keep him or her from “exploding.”

Phase two is when abuse happens. The abuser decides to get physical, and causes their partner harm. The victim cannot prevent what happens, causing them depression, low self-esteem and helplessness.

The last phase is the relief period, otherwise known as the honeymoon stage. The violence is reduced and the abuser either asks for forgiveness, promises that it won’t happen again or starts acting like the perfect partner. The victim usually forgives their significant other, believes what they are being told and convinces themselves it won’t happen again. If you have never been through this cycle, you can’t understand how hard it is to break. That’s why we should not be condemning people like Janay, but instead be understanding and helping them.

According to University of Idaho’s website, there are 5,622 women enrolled at UI. If the CDC’s statistic is true, that means there are about 1,405 women who have been or are currently a victim of an abusive relationship enrolled here.

If you are a victim, and you happen to be reading this article, seek help. It’s a difficult thing to face, one of the scariest you will ever go through, but there are many resources on and off campus that can help you get out of your situation.

UI’s Counseling and Testing Center offers free counseling to students, and everything said during a session is confidential. Their office is open from 8 a.m.to 5 p.m., and is located on the third floor in Forney Hall. The CTC also provides crisis counseling and their after hours emergency number is 208-885-6716.

There is also Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse, which provides 24-hour emergency and support services to victims in any type of abusive situation. Their services are free and confidential. ATVP’s 24-hour number is 208- 883-HELP (4357).

For the rest of us, it’s time we stop victim blaming and start helping those in our community. Domestic violence is a real issue in our society, one that has been unchallenged for too long.

Janay has her reasons to stay, and so do other abuse victims. It’s not our job to judge, but to lend a helping hand to those who need it.

I stand with all victims of abusive relationships, whether it be physical, sexual, mental or emotional abuse. I hope that by coming out and admitting to my past, I can give some courage to those who need it. It’s time to shed light on the issue, starting with our own campus.

Danielle Wiley can be reached at [email protected]

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