| 03.18.2018



Gemini 5/21-6/21

They’re renaming Dead Week in your honor. This treacherous week will forever more be known as Nap Week.

Cancer 6/22-7/22

We know you’re tired and ready for summer, but yes, you do still have to wear pants in public.

Leo 7/23-8/22

You’re graduating and have no job? Well this is awkward …

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Moving back in with your parents after you graduate is nothing to be ashamed of … for now.

Libra 9/23-10/22

It’s time to change your name and move to Tijuana. We all know your secret.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

You might be the biggest Grouplove fan on campus, but that doesn’t mean you get to return to the ‘90s with a boom box on you shoulder and parachute pants. You’re in the wrong era.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Summer is near. Have no fear. Your pasty white skin is not a sin. There’s sunshine for that. Or at least a really good banana boat sunless tanner.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

“If you were a parrot would your parrot sit on your right shoulder or your left shoulder?” Stop using this pick up line unless you truly believe you can pull it off … and even then … use it wisely.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

Easter is over. You can stop re-hiding and finding the eggs now.

Pisces 2/19-3/20

Bro tanks aren’t for everyone. By that I mean they’re not for you.

Aries 3/21-4/19

It’s your turn to start the fight song in a random downtown location. If you don’t know the words, spare yourself and drop out now. You should be ashamed.

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