Gemini 5/21-6/21
They’re renaming Dead Week in your honor. This treacherous week will forever more be known as Nap Week.
Cancer 6/22-7/22
We know you’re tired and ready for summer, but yes, you do still have to wear pants in public.
Leo 7/23-8/22
You’re graduating and have no job? Well this is awkward …
Virgo 8/23-9/22
Moving back in with your parents after you graduate is nothing to be ashamed of … for now.
Libra 9/23-10/22
It’s time to change your name and move to Tijuana. We all know your secret.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You might be the biggest Grouplove fan on campus, but that doesn’t mean you get to return to the ‘90s with a boom box on you shoulder and parachute pants. You’re in the wrong era.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Summer is near. Have no fear. Your pasty white skin is not a sin. There’s sunshine for that. Or at least a really good banana boat sunless tanner.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
“If you were a parrot would your parrot sit on your right shoulder or your left shoulder?” Stop using this pick up line unless you truly believe you can pull it off … and even then … use it wisely.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Easter is over. You can stop re-hiding and finding the eggs now.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Bro tanks aren’t for everyone. By that I mean they’re not for you.
Aries 3/21-4/19
It’s your turn to start the fight song in a random downtown location. If you don’t know the words, spare yourself and drop out now. You should be ashamed.