Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18
Be an anti-Cupid this year. Go around with a Nerf blaster toy bow-and-arrow and shoot all the couples who publically adore each other. Just don’t get caught.
2/19 – 3/20
Screw human Valentines. Go buy a fish instead. They pucker up their lips just the same.
3/21 – 4/19
The best part of Valentine’s Day? The discount candy that is on sale the day after. Stock up for late-night study sessions.
4/20 – 5/20
Wear some extra perfume on Valentine’s Day, because love really stinks.
5/21 – 6/20
According to the CEO of retailer Card Gnome, 160 million greeting cards were purchased for Valentine’s Day in 2011. Go against the standard this year. Since Hallmark owns 40 to 50 percent of the market, he said, they’d lose 80 million cards. That’s $120 million in revenue. That’ll teach ‘em.
6/21 – 7/22
Don’t turn on the radio. Just don’t do it. Every possible love song will be blasting during Valentine’s Day. It’s not worth the heartbreak.
7/23 – 8/22
Buy a heart-shaped box of chocolates and play comedian Jim Gaffigan’s game of “Gamble Chocolate.” You never know which ones are going to be really good or totally nasty. The one who gets the chocolate with the toothpaste flavoring wins.
8/23 – 9/22
Buy cardstock and make your own Valentine’s Day cards. “Bite me,” “Go away” and “Love Stinks” are some popular sayings.
9/23 – 10/22
If life were a booger, maybe your crush would pick you. Alas, it’s not.
10/23 – 11/21
What’s better than finally ditching your freeloading lover on anti-Valentine’s Day? It’s about time they face the facts.
11/22 – -12/21
Buy some antacids at the store because all Valentine’s Day amounts to is a stomach full of chocolate and “heartburn.”
12/22 – -1/19
Need a popular anti-love song to listen to? Try out Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do With It” or Natasha Bedingfield’s “Single.”