When you ponder your relationship, you feel confident it is not one based on utility, or the services and goods you provide to your partner. You take turns paying for things, or split the bill at times. You feel there is relatively equal giving and receiving. So, is this a relationship destined for love? Possibly. Let’s ask the love doctor, Greek philosopher and relationship expert Aristotle.Aristotle would affirm you for skipping past living in friendship of utility, but he would be concerned you may be stuck in a friendship of pleasure. Don’t take it personally, this is just the type of relationship we, as the young and open-hearted, are prone to fall for.
A friendship of pleasure is built upon the fun two people have together. While enjoyment should definitely be present in an intimate relationship, a relationship where the emphasis is placed solely on the good times can easily be predicted to fail when hard times outweigh delight.
Toss out the intimate relationships where your giving outweighs what you receive and the false notion of a strong relationship based upon enjoying good times together.
Even though two people may enjoy being with each other, they still may be caught in a friendship of pleasure. Imagine, the girl thinks she loves the guy and they normally have sex. It turns out the guy does not love the girl, but they have fun with each other and both consent. This relationship is neither healthy nor strong, and actually takes a step backwards into a friendship of utility.
If we want a relationship where we can dodge being used or being deceived and truly find love, rather than just a fling, then along with attraction, we need to recognize the necessary ingredient of mutual respect.
It is good to reflect on your relationship by comparing aspects of it to a strong relationship you have elsewhere, such as with a family member. I learned how a man should treat me from the model of my brothers — a model of unconditional love, building me up as a woman, and never letting me settle for less. How is the guy I am dating portraying these ideals my brothers exposed me to? We all need good models.
Aristotle’s philosophy explains that just as a child is immature, but eventually matures as time goes on, the friendships of utility and pleasure can also mature. This relationship is one that is not based solely upon what you get out of a relationship (materials or pleasant feelings) but rather two people who work for a higher good, the good of each other.
The life we all desire in our relationships is one the Greeks discussed: “zoe.” “Zoe” means “shared life.” Life is no fun when it is just me, but rather when it is “us.” It is even more fun when the “we” is two people who love each other so much that both strive to do what is best for the other.
Casey Dail can be reached at [email protected]