Virgo 8/23 – 9/22
Flow with the energy of the universe this week to smoothen your transition into the fall. Failing that, drink a lot of coffee. It will make all your movements smoother.
Libra
9/23 – 10/22
Owls can turn their heads 270 degrees. If you can’t do that, try to spin your body as you walk to make sure you don’t miss anything.
Scorpio
10/23 – 11/21
The goal of life isn’t to make a lot of money or the rock star lifestyle. But the village doesn’t need any more idiots, either.
Sagittarius
11/22 – 12/21
Run wild and free but remember to pack clean underwear and watch for “landmines.”
Capricorn
12/22 – 1/19
Sometimes eating right is hard because the options are expensive. Sometimes eating right is easy because not eating people is cheap.
Aquarius
1/20 – 2/18
It isn’t always necessary to “kill the wabbit.” Decide this week will be duck season and see if your results are better. Whatever you do, be vewy vewy quiet.
Pisces
2/19 – 3/20
A wise cartoon man once sang “underwater the fish don’t stink.” Be wary of cartoon men and foolhardy behaviors disguised as promising invitations.
Aries
3/21 – 4/19
You’ll never get anywhere if you race the sun. Challenges are good but must be reasonable. Race Pluto. It isn’t a planet anyway.
Taurus
4/20 – 5/20
If you mess with the bull, beware the horns. If you cut off the horns, however, it’s barbeque for everybody.
Gemini
5/21 – 6/20
Don’t make mountains out of molehills or molehills out of mountains. Keep the geology of your life in balance and the volcano won’t explode and kill everyone.
Cancer
6/21 – 7/22
Ask yourself what insight you’d give people if your life were a fortune cookie. Then remember that the cookie must be broken before people can read the fortune.
Leo
7/23-8/22
Life can be difficult. If you can’t beat them–work out more often.