Leo 7/23 – 8/22
Congrats Leo, your birthday is coming up. Make a few empowering goals for the year–like staying out of jail.Virgo
8/23 – 9/22
Always remember to highlight your foreign language skills on your resumé, even if your skills only include counting to six in Spanish with the Offspring song, “Pretty Fly.”
9/23 – 10/22
Your idea to combine this summer’s hottest movies is sure to be a blockbuster hit. A sexy Spider-man swinging from stripper pole to pole with Channing Tatum dolled-up as Gwen will totally blow viewers’ minds.
10/23 – 11/21
Keep your head up these next few weeks. There’s always a chance you’ll meet “the One” wherever you turn. Then again, there’s a Starbucks everywhere you turn too. Decide which is more satisfying.
11/22 – 12/21
Invest in some new notebooks for the upcoming semester. Trying to reuse the scraps of paper with various grocery lists could make calculus more baffling. “Pi equals eggs and cheese?…What?” Avoid the pain and confusion.
12/22 – 1/19
Always surround yourself with people you love, but keep in mind that hanging posters of celebrities and pretending they’re portraits of your family is kind of weird…and stalker-ish.
1/20 – 2/18
Go check on whatever is in the oven, right now. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
2/19 – 3/20
Loving your summer enthusiasm, but not everything can be barbequed. Always be thinking along the lines of instantaneous combustion. To protect those eyebrows, maybe wear a mask.
3/21 – 4/19
The stars aren’t really aligning for you this week, but don’t let that shut down your dreams of reinventing the modern sport of watermelon punching. Make this week your time to shine.
4/20 – 5/20
You’re one of the lucky ones, Taurus. One day there will be a hilarious meme about you.
5/21 – 6/20
Making schedules for yourself can be hard. You’ll soon find out that it’s easier to just spend most of your time asleep.
6/21 – 7/22
Take cues from your crab-like astrological sign and become the best pincher ever. You’ll be getting extra credit from your new professors without a problem.