Aries
March 21 – April 19
There’s only room for one horseman and everyone knows you have the rabbit’s watch. Give it back before the queen offs you at the neck and the roses turn back to white.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
It may not have worked out for TomKat but The Biebster and Miss Gomez are still going strong so don’t lose all hope. Love is a battlefield, baby.
Gemini
May 21 – June 21
You go Glen Coco! There’s a twenty percent chance that it’s already raining so go run around barefoot for a while because Mother Nature loves you.
Cancer
June 22 – July 22
In recent breaking news, the actors who played the Weasley twins have returned to their roots and gone back to brunette. Follow the leads of Fred and George and visit the family. If nothing else, give Black Thought and Questlove another chance.
Leo
July 23 – Aug 22
Don’t get too crazy with the pick-up lines this month. No one wants to hear about the banana in your pocket or the length of your arm. Here’s my number. Call me maybe?
Virgo
Aug 23 – Sept 22
Beards may be back but tame that shrub on your face and you might join the ranks of the employed. For the ladies…his lack of professionalism is a sign that he may be the type to let the love fern die.
Libra
Sept 23 – Oct 22
Your little stunt is going viral and we’re not talking about your YouTube shenanigans. Seriously…you might want to have that checked out.
Scorpio
Oct 24 – Nov 21
Tom Riddle called. He wants his diary back and the rest of us would appreciate it if you stopped trying to speak Parsel-tongue. You think you can do these things but you just can’t, Nemo.
Sagittarius
Nov 22 – Dec 21
It’s wedding season but you can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do. Too bad no one let Sandusky in on that little tidbit. Or did they?
Capricorn
Dec 22 – Jan 19
If you’re not first, you’re last. Get back in the NASCAR and cross the metaphorical finish line before your best friend steals your life. Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife.
Aquarius
Jan 20 – Feb 18
There are no monopolies in the game of Life. But there are babies and mini vans. Be careful what you wish for, work hard for what you want and don’t worry too much about the chutes. They’re more fun than the ladders anyway.
Pisces
Feb 19 – March 20
It may be 5 o’clock somewhere, but it’s also 8 a.m. somewhere and the earth isn’t turning in slower. Hang up the Elmo slippers, give mother back her robe and make your own PB&J. It’s time to be a big kid.