Aries 3/21 – 4/19
If you feel like you’re wandering around aimlessly in life, try something drastic. When looking down doesn’t work, look up.
Taurus
4/20 – 5/20
When life gives you peanut butter, just give it some jelly and have a jam.
Gemini
5/21 – 6/21
Someone may be trying to twirl your world around. Just crank up the music and start dancing.
Cancer
6/22 – 7/22
The secret to life is a good recipe with good ingredients–use them wisely.
Leo
7/23 – 8/22
If my calculations are correct, parking your car in an unmarked area after having a few drinks could cause unwanted citations.
Virgo
8/23 – 9/22
When writing your next term paper, consider eating alphabet soup. Maybe then your words will come out naturally.
Libra
9/23 – 10/22
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet someone else’s sweaty thing.
Scorpio
10/23 – 11/21
Worried about deadlines? I hear the library is quite morbid; that might helpy ou get our of your grave situation.
Sagittarius
11/22 – 12/21
Taking shortcuts in life is like having a peeing section in a pool–worthless because you’ll just end up swimming in your own mess.
Capricorn
12/22 – 1/19
Ever feel out of your mind? Try using a strainer to filter out the unnecessary thoughts.
Aquarius
1/20 – 2/18
If your student loans are getting you down, try seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s better than working a minimum wage job for the rest of your life.
Pisces
2/19 – 3/20
In need of some change? I hear panhandling works great.