Aries
3/21 – 4/19
Spring will be here at the same time as graduation, unless you live in Moscow. Sorry about your bad luck.
Taurus
4/20 – 5/20
The honeymoon stage of your latest fling has ended. Watch our for low-flying shoes– — they’re aimed at your head.
Gemini
5/21 – 6/21
You will make a great scientific discovery this week. And once you’re done taking a swim in Paradise Creek, remember to shower — your discovery is likely to follow you home.
Cancer
6/22 – 7/22
Take inspiration from the weather. Write a book titled “Snow and Worms.” Everyone loves to laugh at something terrible.
Leo
7/23 – 8/22
Embrace your 15 minutes of fame. The statue you spent an hour talking to the other night will gladly let you have the limelight of YouTube.
Virgo
8/23 – 9/22
Everything happens for a reason. Keep this in mind as you recover from what you’re about to do Saturday night. Poor choices come with lessons for you and funny photos for everyone else.
Libra
9/23 – 10/22
The dream you’re having about getting run over by the megaloads while your alarm blares in the background is not a dream. Put it in gear, bud.
Scorpio
10/23 – 11/21
Life will be nice to you this week. You deserve it after surviving that freak encounter with a bull a few days ago. Remember, running in a red T-shirt is bad when the chaser has horns.
Sagittarius
11/22 – 12/21
Girl Scout cookies are back, so are the Girl Scouts. Put your money in your front pockets.
Capricorn
12/22 – 1/19
Chin up, buttercup. Your mom won’t break her back if you step on a crack, but you might crack your head if you walk into one more pole while texting.
Aquarius
1/20 – 2/18
It might seem like no one is listening, but keep talking. Eventually someone will cave and tell you to stop.
Pisces
2/19 – 3/20
Just because something is candy-colored, doesn’t mean it’s completely edible. Be cautious.