Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21
You’re going to want to shoot for the stars this weekend.
Capricorn
12/22 – 1/19
Quit your job. Or don’t. You don’t have to listen to me, you know.
Aquarius
1/20 – 2/18
You’ll stop moping and feeling down on yourself this week, just don’t let it grow into full-blown arrogance or we’ll stop talking to you.
Pisces
2/19 – 3/20
Man, that Cancer won’t stop pining after you. Try to break it to him easy and once that doesn’t work be brutally honest. After that fails, ignore his texts.
Aries
3/21 – 4/19
Be prepared for an elaborate game of tug-of-war between your friends and family. You’re the rope. Good luck making any holiday plans.
Taurus
4/20 – 5/20
Be prepared to make a large decision that will ultimately affect more than you. The fates hope you don’t screw anyone over too badly, but aren’t too concerned.
Gemini
5/21 – 6/20
You will show awesome restraint, particularly in the matters of diet and money. Unfortunately this will cause everyone around you to think that you are a tightwad. Lighten up a little would you pal?
Cancer
6/21 – 7/22
Heavy, workloads await you, which will unfortunately overflow into the holiday break. You could’ve done your work ahead of time instead of playing Angry Birds.
Leo
7/23 – 8/22
Congratulations, you are the only sign that really has any luck this time around. Seriously, collect your $200 and go do anything that isn’t harmful to the rest of us.
Virgo
8/23 – 9/22
You will almost hit a pedestrian due to your lack of consideration to anyone or anything while you are in a vehicle. It isn’t that guys fault that you woke up an hour late and didn’t have time to go on your morning coffee run.
Libra
9/23 – 10/22
You can’t make everyone happy this holiday break. That’s because you’re broke. You should probably look into getting a better job so you can afford presents.
Scorpio
10/23 – 11/21
Get ready to do the “brown nose”. You are going to have to show your belly to virtually every supervisor of every aspect of your life. Make it through this week with your tail between your legs and it’ll get better.