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 Photo Illustration by Jake Barber/Argonaut
The last words University of Idaho freshman Amitti Mackey said to her father was she loved him.
Mackey was ordering coffee at the Sixth Street Market on campus, Feb. 6 2009, when she received the phone call.
“A friend from high school called and said there’s something going on at your house, there’s an ambulance there,” she said.
Her friend informed her that police had carried a gun and
fingerprinting equipment from her house. She tried to reach her mother
by phone, to no avail.
“I was hoping someone had broken into the house, and my dad shot him in self-defense,” she said.
Her mother finally called her back.
“It floored me,” she said. “I fell to the ground. (My mother) told me ‘Your dad shot himself.’ I was sobbing on all fours.”
She asked if he was OK.
“(My mother) said, ‘Daddy’s gone,’ and I sat there for five or 10 minutes just sobbing,” she said.
The Loss of a Loved One
Mackey’s father is another victim of a statewide issue that is worsening. A 2005 study by the Suicide Prevention Action Network of Idaho found this state has the seventh highest suicide rate in the nation.
“He was the most personable, most likeable person I’ve ever met,” Mackey said. “He was kind of quiet, but then he’d make these comments that just came out of left field and would make you laugh.”
She said her father was better at showing love than verbalizing his emotions.
“He was one of those dads that was the finisher,” she said. “My mom would start something, like take me to my dance recital, but he’d be there to whistle.”
One memory of her father she treasures took place when Mackey was in kindergarten.
“I broke my arm,” she said. “I just wanted to go home, to see my dad. There’s a picture of us cuddled up on the recliner.”
Mackey said the day she spoke with him, before the tragedy, he had trouble processing things. She said her mother said he was fine the day of his death as well.
Mackey’s father worked as the maintenance manager at Airport Rent-A-Space in Lewiston, she said.
“He had been sick a couple of months and had missed a lot of work,” she said. “He wasn’t getting any sleep, like three to four hours a night.”
She said he had also been suffering with headaches and stomachaches.
“The last time I saw him in person was Super Bowl weekend,” Mackey said. “He just seemed lifeless. The Steelers were his team, and I said, ‘Aren’t you excited?’ He said that he just didn’t watch football much anymore. I gave him a hug and a kiss and told him to take care of himself.”
She said her father’s doctor said he showed symptoms of mild depression, but it wasn’t anything the doctor was worried about.
“I think he was scared of being sick and trying to take care of us,” she said. “He didn’t have health insurance. Any of us would have given up anything to have kept him here.”
She said the doctors thought it might have been something physical, such as a brain tumor. An autopsy was
not performed.
“I think after spending three to four months worrying it manifested into something bigger than it actually was,”
she said.
Suicide in Idaho
According to a 2007 SPAN survey, 220 people died by suicide in Idaho that year. SPAN volunteer and UI adjunct psychology faculty member Steven Button has several ideas why the rate may be so high.
“There’s a lack of mental health services, especiall y in highly rural areas,”
he said.
Mental illness is often seen as a weakness, he said.
“There’s this ‘pull yourself up by your own bootstraps’ mentality,” he said.
Even in rural areas that have services, people are still reluctant to seek help,
he said.
“There’s a perceived lack of anonymity,” he said. “Like everyone’s watching you walk in the door and they’re
wondering why.”
The 2007 SPAN survey found 67 percent of suicides in Idaho were carried out with a firearm. The national average was 52 percent. Button said he thought it may be due to the availability and lethality of firearms.
“We live in a culture of gun ownership,” he said. “They’re just so
widely available.”
A contributing factor could be that highly rural areas appear to have a lack of activities, he said.
“I’ve had some people tell me the only thing to do is drink and party,” Button said.
Part of demystifying suicide is removing the stigma that surrounds it, he said.
“It’s really hard for people to talk about because there’s such a negative stigma,” he said. “I’ve even heard people say a homicide death is easier to deal with because there’s someone to blame.”
The stigma that follows both mental illness and suicide has to be battled simultaneously, he said.
“Mental illness is not something they choose,” Button said. “You don’t just wish
it away.”
He said that most people who have died by suicide probably had a mental illness that had not been diagnosed.
“It can happen to those who are chronically depressed or who feel overwhelmed,” Button said.
Those who feel chronically depressed may have trouble even finding the energy to seek the help they need, he said.
“They might not have the coping skills or the thought process to take the steps they need to,” Button said.
There are still risks when someone gets treatment, he said.
“People with bi-polar disorder have a high risk of an attempt on their way back up,” Button said. “They have the energy to put together a plan and to act on it.”
Suicide is infrequently covered in the media, he said.
“Many suicides go unreported as such and might be reported as accidents,” Button said. “Insurance programs don’t cover suicide. Sometimes coroners work with the families.”
Newspapers and other outlets typically don’t report suicides either, he said.
“Family members don’t want it known that it happened,” Button said. “It’s almost to save themselves from the stigma of others in the community. They don’t want people to look at them and think something like, ‘What’s wrong with that family?’”
There are many reasons it can happen, he said.
“I think people get to the point where they feel hopeless and there’s no way out,” Button said. “They see that it won’t get better. They get tired and feel overwhelmed.”
Suicide on campus
While people of all ages and backgrounds die by suicide, there are some groups that seem more at risk. The SPAN survey found suicide is the second leading cause of death for those between age 15 and 34 in Idaho.
“College students face a lot of stresses — financial, academic, being away from home, relationships … sometimes they feel isolated,” Button said. “Drugs have an impact, too.”
Button said those who are depressed and self medicate with alcohol could be pushed over the edge.
“Teenagers and even college students can be impulsive, too,” he said.
Button said there was an instance where a man’s girlfriend broke up with him. He retrieved a gun from his truck and shot himself moments after.
SPAN teaches a question, persuade, referral system, he said.
“We train people to recognize the signs and the symptoms that can be warning signs,” he said. “You don’t have to be trained in mental health — it’s like being trained for CPR.”
The more people are aware of the signs, the less likely they’ll blow it off, he said.
“Some people don’t feel comfortable or know how to handle it, so they don’t respond,” he said. “Most people give off signs, though.”
Button said if there is extreme concern, call 911, and don’t leave them alone.
Survivors of suicide victims have said their loved one felt they were doing everyone a favor, he said.
“They think they are causing them grief and they don’t want them to worry about them,” Button said. “I’ve never talked to a family member who said they were glad their loved one did it.”
The next step
Mackey has tried to keep herself busy by devoting energy toward school and surrounding herself with a support group of friends and family, she said.
“I feel this permanent sense of … not empty … but something is missing,” she said. “I don’t feel sad all the time, but when I do, it’s a deeper sad than I’ve ever felt before.”
Mackey said they received many calls and messages after the tragedy.
“But after a couple of months, it seems like they’ve forgotten about it,” she said. “It’s not at the forefront of their minds.”
She said it’s important for people to be mindful of what they say.
“I had a friend say something like, ‘God that test sucked, I wanted to kill myself,’” she said. “And you know … I used to say it, too. But it has a different meaning now.”
The remarks don’t anger her, she said.
“I know it’s not malicious,” Mackey said. “It’s just hard for them to remember when it’s not someone they know — a friend, a family member — someone close to them.”
She said she feels her father’s suicide wasn’t selfish.
“It was the best of two impossible situations — being scared and sick all the time or taking himself out of the picture,” she said. “I wish more than anything there was some way to get him back.”
Thinking about the future can be difficult, she said.
“I don’t get to have my dad walk me down the aisle, or have that first dance,” Mackey said.
It’s not something you move on from, she said.
“You move forward,” she said. “It’s not going to be normal like you knew. Just talking about it helps. You can’t keep it all bottled up and compartmentalize it. You won’t get rid of it.”
She said education about suicide is important.
“Just to get it out there that this is a serious problem,” she said. “People don’t always do it for attention. Be aware of how much you affect the people around you.”
Education should help remove the stigma that makes talking about suicide difficult, Mackey said.
“Someone could be trying to reach out to you,” she said. “You may feel like they don’t need it, but you don’t know that. Take it seriously. Don’t be ashamed to talk about it.”
She said she isn’t ashamed of what happened and her father did it to protect
his family.
“I talk to my dad every day,” Mackey said. “If there’s something I need to say to him, I say it. I let him know I think about him, and I won’t forget him.”
Once she’s ready, she said she’d like to join a suicide prevention program.
“I’d like to help survivors of suicide (victims) or those who are thinking about it,” Mackey said. “I want to show them what it does to a person.”
those at RISK
According to SPAN, the highest risk groups in Idaho are:
•Native American males 15-17, rate of 115.8/100,000
•Native American males 18-24, rate of 88.1/100,000
•Elderly white males 75+ years, rate of 81.2/100,000
•Working age Males 18-65, rate of 25.8/100,000
•Male youth 15-17, rate of 22.5/100,000
•Of the 220 suicides in Idaho in 2007, 85 percent were men.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics and Bureau of Census Data, Idaho was ranked seventh in the nation for prevalence and seriousness of depression
in 2004.
The Suicide Prevention Resource Center determined from a 1999-2005 study that the nation’s suicide rate was 11.6 per 100,000. Idaho’s rate was 16.5 per 100,000.
UI participated in the 2007 Fall National College Health Assessment. Of the 771 students that responded, 69 reported they had seriously considered suicide at least once. Seven students reported they had attempted suicide. Statewide, 3,233 students participated. Two hundred and ninety reported seriously considering suicide at least once. Thirty-two reported they had attempted.
Suicide Warning Signs include, but are not limited to:
Changes in sleeping/eating patterns, problems concentrating, noticeable weight gain or loss, hygiene/appearance neglect, abrupt change in personality/behavior, increase in alcohol/drug use, rebellion/hostility and withdrawing from friends/activities, reckless behavior, previous suicide attempt, talking or writing about suicide, threats of self-harm, long grief reaction.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255.
The Gritman Medical Center emergency room in Moscow can be reached at 208-882-4511.
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