The University of Idaho Argonaut

Perhaps the weather isn’t quite as nice as it should be for this time of the year, but with the baseball season underway it is unquestionably springtime, which can mean only one thing: It’s time to hit up a Mariner’s game.

As we all know, sport fans make the best dates, and there are few places better to find a special someone than while watching baseball. Unfortunately I don’t know this from personal experience, having been shot down in each of my attempts at sporting events. But this doesn’t mean I’m not an expert in picking out the girls to make your move on.

For instance, I’ve found it’s best to avoid anyone who could win a John Kruk vintage 1993 look-alike contest. For that matter, I’d avoid anyone who could win a Kruk look-alike contest from any point of his career.

Instead look to see what the girl is carrying. If she has a scorecard in one hand and a glove in the other, step up to the plate and take your cuts. But if she’s holding three hot dogs, a bag of peanuts and a bucket of garlic fries because she can’t figure out which one to start with, move on to the next aisle.

For those of you still having a tough time deciding if she’s worth the effort, here are a few more tips.

• Listen to her cheer. If you hear her holler "Yankees suck" and the Yankees aren’t even playing, you probably can’t go wrong. But if you hear anything even reminiscent of a high school softball chant - "We are the Mariners/We’re very proud/That’s why we’re screaming/So very loud" - pretend you’re Rickey Henderson and sprint for home.
• Keep your eye out for the one with a handful of sunflower seeds who is carefully splitting them one at a time with her front teeth before depositing the shells in her empty beer cup. She’s special. But if she’s substituted Grizzly chewing tobacco for seeds and dousing the seat in front of her instead of depositing shells in her empty beer cup, perhaps she’s not the one for you.
• Don’t be scared off by the girl who’s asking questions about the game - it shows she’s interested and paying attention. But be wary of the ones who ask such gems as "What kind of fabric are their uniforms made of?" because these are the same ones who own a framed poster of Reese Witherspoon in "Legally Blonde" and will want to spend a date watching "Miss Congeniality 2" at the theater.
• If you overhear a girl say anything along the lines of "I miss the The Sheriff," or "Bobby Ayala’s the most underappreciated player in Mariner history," stay away. She probably has Yankee blood somewhere in her family tree. But if you see one work herself into a righteous anger complete with frothing at the mouth at the mere mention of the Heathcliffe Slocumb trade, propose on the spot.
• And finally, if you see eight girls wearing shirts that spell M-A-R-I-N-E-R-S when they’re standing in a row, go for the I.