Ban the baseball cap: save the world of fashion

      
By Bob Phillips, Jr.
    Columnist

      
Before I get going, let's take a really
      quick look at the history of clothing. 

      


      First, we had dinosaurs and cavemen. The dinosaurs and cavemen
      were all naked, and they loved it. 

      


      Then the ice age hit ­ the dinosaurs, with their walnut-brains,
      froze to death. 

      


      The cavemen, with their primitive brains more like coconuts,
      killed other mammals, invented tanning and leatherworking and
      made clothes to keep from freezing to death. 

      


      So, during the ice age, being naked meant you were going to die.
      

      


      And having a brain the size of a walnut meant you'd probably
      be too stupid to make your own clothes, so you were screwed.

      


      Now, let's fast forward to present day. People wear all kinds
      of clothing, in all kinds of weather. 

      The dinosaurs are still dead, but now they run our cars as very
      expensive gasoline. 

      


      We aren't expecting another ice age, but we've decided to keep
      wearing clothes. 

      


      And it's this habit of wearing clothes that inspires me to write
      today.

      


      Clothing should be functional. Non-functional clothing is a waste
      of time, space and money. 

      Wearing sandals or shoes is a good idea, because of the broken
      glass strewn about campus. 

      But wearing shoes with nine-inch soles on them is simply non-functional.
      

      


      Ankles will roll, and people will be embarrassed. 

      


      But beyond extravagances in footwear, headgear is something else
      to be considered as non-functional.

      


      Baseball caps were invented for a specific reason ­ to make
      baseball players look cool while shielding the players' eyes
      from the sun. 

      


      That's why that little projection, called the "bill,"
      is on the ball cap, folks. 

      


      It protects the wearer's eyes from the sun. The function of a
      baseball cap, therefore, is to protect your eyes while making
      you look cool.

      


      Then someone got the bright idea of reversing the baseball cap,
      pointing the bill of the hat backwards to get attention and,
      therefore, making another piece of non-functional clothing. 

      


      And this waste of a resources is starting to run rampant on our
      campus, in case you haven't noticed. And I think someone needed
      to say something about this tragedy. Hence, I am writing this
      article.

      


      Another hat-oriented problem is the issue of respect. 

      


      Way back when, the pilgrims built churches and made everyone
      remove their baseball caps upon entering a building. 

      


      It was a sign of respect to people in the building, to the owner
      of the building and to fashion in general, because there's no
      need to shield your eyes from the sun while indoors.

      


      We should prohibit baseball caps on campus. 

      


      Some people are too busy to remove their caps when entering a
      classroom or office, therefore they disrespect the teacher of
      the class and the overall world of fashion all at once. 

      


      And as you all know, I'm very serious about upholding fashion,
      at all costs. 

      


      But also, banning the baseball cap would negate the people who
      wear them in non-functional ways. So banning caps would actually
      save , which all college students enjoy.

      


      Let's start a petition to ban ball caps now. Your sense of fashion
      and respect is at stake. Act quickly!
 

      
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