Wal-Mart conquest: The final frontier
By Katy Cannon
Columnist
Last Friday, a friend of mine was trying to pick up FBI intelligence on a homemade radio, when he accidentally tapped into a far more dangerous, secret code.
As Mack innocently eavesdropped on confidential government files,
a sinister voice came over the waves proclaiming, "We've
got the Earth, it's time for the Final Frontier. We'll bring
them 'Always the low price. Always.'" Mack called me in
a panic.
After hours of static, garbled, radio, I was able to piece together
the following report.
It seems as though Wal-Mart is trying to take over the world.
Their strategy is simple.
Step one: open a Wal-Mart store in every town with a population
exceeding 18 across the United States.
Step two: make all other countries jealous of the convenience
and low prices Americans are getting and set up stores in every
other nation.
Step three: out-sell local businesses, start carrying their
products and get as many people as possible into the Wal-Mart
"family."
Step four: eliminate the need for shoppers to go anywhere else.
Make sure they feel happy and content in their Wal-Mart.
Step five: harness loyal Wal-Mart shoppers as drones for a new
Wal-Mart Universal Empire.
Yes, it seems rather far-fetched, but I do believe the Empire
has already completed four out of five steps.
They are a clever enemy, but I do have hope they can be stopped.
The secret lies in the mascot and the repetitive, droning chant.
"Wal-Mart will have anything you need, Always. Wal-Mart
will have the lowest price, Always. The Wal-Mart greeter will
make you feel special, Always. Why don't you come in and sit
down, Always."
Many of you may remember that claustrophobic, reeling dizziness
and paranoid desperation to flee Wal-Mart. But of course you
didn't.
"I've still got to buy these car-seat covers and panty-liners,"
you tell yourself. "I'll just wait in line."
Ha ha ha, my friends. A few more mistakes like that and you can
say hello to Wal-Mart headquarters on the moon, Wal-Mart space-craft
on Mars, Wal-Mart programming on television, and worst of all,
Wal-Mart quality and attitude in every aspect of your lives.
Beware amigos, of the yellow smiley face. These facts carry a
deadly warning. Break free of the Wal-Mart scheme. Run to Ken's
Stationary for school supplies, Hodgin's Drug for medicine, Rite-Aid
for greeting cards, Rosaurs' for groceries. Go anywhere but Wal-Mart
or we all may be sucked in. May you all run free.
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