FRI 10 SEP 2004
Marriage, the sportsman’s way
By Brennan GauseSports & Rec Editor
It’s fall. The leaves are changing, yet the days are still warm. According to my latest issue of Brides Monthly this is the perfect season for weddings.
And weddings, for the sportsman, cause mixed feelings. On one hand it’s a wonderful opportunity to spend time with family and friends while hammered. But on the flip side, one has to sit through a long and often boring ceremony where the bride and groom pledge to spend their lives together, or something like that. I don’t really know the details.
A sports professor I had once said that a wedding is the world’s biggest exhibition game; it’s fancy and all but it doesn’t really matter.
So why have the ceremony be so serious? If it could be spiced up and made as interesting as watching Rickey Henderson in an interview, then sportsmen the world over would be more likely to take a wife.
Now, if you’re hoping to convince your man to at least attend someone else’s wedding, much less take the plunge himself, listen up because here’s some tips for sprucing up the whole wedding ceremony.
First of all, the main problem with a wedding ceremony is that everyone is sober until the reception. A wedding is a serious moment of truth for any man to face, and for a sportsman to make it through without the shakes and occasional bouts of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, there needs to be at least a thin layer of alcoholic beverages coating his insides.
To rectify this problem one needs look no farther than an NFL or college football game for inspiration. Before each game the faithful fans partake in a tailgate party in the parking lot. Here fans can fill their bellies with beef and beer while gathering up the inspiration to scream obscenities at the opposing team.
Why not apply this tradition to weddings? Not only would everyone feel a tad less nervous, but the families of the bride will also have the courage to express their true feelings about the groom at high decibel levels, and vice versa. Plus, nothing says “great wedding” like beer and barbecue stains on the bride’s dress.
Secondly, the seating at a wedding is just plain wrong. Having people sitting in rows with nothing to do but cry into boxes of tissues is ridiculous, so change things up a bit.
Behind the preacher, have a replica outfield fence from Wrigley Field, ivy and all. And to add that special touch that says you care, have the groom’s fattest friends and relatives standing up there with their shirts off (stomach and face paint optional).
These people will be the official hecklers of the wedding. From their vantage point they’ll be able to let the minister know if he’s screwed up by offering such helpful hints as “pull your head out of your ass” and “quit fumbling worse than Daunte Culpepper.”
Thirdly, one of the best things about going to a sporting event is the service. Beer and hot-dog vendors are a gift to mankind, so why not make them a part of the special moment in your life when you swear to stay with your true love till one of you is dead.
As soon as guests begin to sit down, the vendors will wander in and serenade the audience with “BEER HERE. GET YOUR BEER HERE.” And since that is such a beautiful song, the father of the bride won’t have to shell out money for a musical group to be on hand to play the wedding march.
Fourthly, sporting events fill the pauses in action with bits of entertainment, and weddings shouldn’t be any different. After the tailgate ends, select the two fellows who have indulged themselves a bit too much and place them in chairs near where the couple is about to be married. Have both of them wear Bobby Knight Indiana sweatshirts and instruct them to coach their team to victory.
From their seats they can easily call audibles such as, “Don’t do it, man. She looks just like a hooker I saw on a street corner in Vegas.” And if the little flower girl screws up while strewing petals, they’ll be in a perfect position to chuck a chair onto the court.
This will provide plenty of hearty chuckles for the other guests, in addition to keeping that flower girl on her toes.
There are endless other possibilities to make your ceremony more like a sporting event (some examples are tackling, tag-team matches and checking). So keep an open mind, because there is much to be learned, and emulated, from the wide world of sports.
Today
UI men’s tennis at Boise ClassicBoise
Intramurals
Golf entry deadline
Golf skills challenge entry deadline
UI volleyball vs. Mississippi State
Columbia, Mo., 4:30 p.m.
Saturday
UI football vs. Utah StateLogan, Utah, 5:30 p.m.
UI men’s club rugby vs. LCSC
Moscow, noon
UI men’s tennis at Boise Classic
Boise
UI volleyball vs. Arkansas State and Missouri
Columbia, Mo., 11:30 a.m. and 7 p.m.
Outdoor program
Introduction to mountaineering
Kokanee Glacier
Sunday
UI men’s tennis at Boise ClassicBoise
Intramurals
Frisbee golf open tourney entry deadline
UI men’s golf at Northwest Collegiate Classic
Corvallis, Ore.
Monday
UI men’s golf at Northwest Collegiate ClassicCorvallis, Ore.
Thursday
UI volleyball vs. PacificMoscow, 7 p.m.
UI Argonaut, 301 Student Union, Moscow, ID 83844
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