Virgo 8/23-9/22 – You are bound to inspire others through your upcoming appearances on billboards in the region. Whether or not these billboards are for the meth project, I cannot divulge.
Libra 9/23-10/22 – An icy silence on your part is vital this week, seeing as an instance involving your jaw meeting a desktop will render you unable to speak and your constant companion will be a bag of frozen peas.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21 – Your life will flash before your eyes. Not because you”re dying, but because you almost drop your $6 pumpkin spice latte on the sidewalk.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21 – Sometimes schoolwork can feel like pulling teeth. This is true this week especially, thanks to a hands-on class trip to the dentist”s office.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19 – Have you ever attempted to cook with an industrial-sized grease fryer? This is not the week to begin learning.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18 – Your life will parallel the plotline of your favorite movie this week. It”s time to rethink your love for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre films and maybe Netflix a few rom-coms.
Pisces 2/19-3/20 – The stars have revealed that the love of your life is particularly responsive to the scent of tuna. Wear it like cologne, and hope for the best. If anything, you”ll attract a few cats. They”re sure to love you.
Aries 3/21-4/19 – The entire week will pass before you realize you forgot to call Grandma on her 90th birthday, unless of course you read your horoscope. You”re welcome.
Taurus 4/20-5/20 – You”ve always seen the world in black and white, but an incident in which you maliciously attack an 8-year-old girl over the last One Direction poster at Wal-Mart will make it clear to you that there is, in fact, a gray area.
Gemini 5/21-6/21 – You will come to discover that adulthood is not a lot of fun. There are bills to pay and events you”re obligated to attend, but there is also no one telling you what to eat for dinner – cookie dough it is.
Cancer 6/22-7/22 – Is that glass beside your sink half full, half empty, or just growing things, considering it”s been three weeks since you poured that milk?
Leo 7/23-8/22 – Story problems have always been your favorite thing, so you”ll be sure to enjoy figuring out what happened when your Vandal Card is found four days after you report it lost 112 miles south of Moscow taped to the back of a roadside turtle.