Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your life has been a mess. Now is the time to start dating a janitor to clean yourself up.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
With the school year behind you, take some time out on the golf course to play the game you love so much — because it’s a scientific fact all Cancer’s love golf.
Leo (July – August 22)
Summer will be over before you know it, so take some time and enjoy the nice, air-conditioned and less busy Winco. Oh, and maybe buy some cool drinks for a good time enjoying the sun.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
All of your friends left you for the summer, and you’re stuck here in Moscow. Let’s just say it’s going to be a long summer for you — you should probably go buy a dog or something.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
If you see someone walking around town with their head down and looking extremely sad, they’re probably a Virgo and are in desperate need of a friend. So you should go buy them a dog. Or, maybe be their friend.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You need an adventure. Log on to cbs.com and apply to be on the show “Survivor.” If you win the prize money, I heard your Aries friend might need a loan or two.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
It’s time to drop out of school, move to a foreign country and join a biker gang — “Sons of Anarchy” style.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Call up your Leo friend and join them at Winco. There, you should pick up some corn on the cob, popcorn, corn nuts, corndogs, mini corndogs, corn chips and anything else that satisfies the corn craving — because science proves all Capricorns love corn products. Treat yo’self.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. Let the sun shine in.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces love their pie. Time to go to Shari’s and get a slice. You’ll enjoy it, and your tummy will, too. Win-win.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’re broke after a long school year of paying bills, but that shouldn’t stop you from spending all of your money. Like the saying goes — spend it like you got it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’re best friend, who is an Aries, is broke and can’t stop spending their money for some reason. It’s time to sit them down and have a heart to heart over a nice cup of coffee — which they will offer to pay for.