Pisces 2/19-3/20
Apparently, because of the stars present at your birth, you are a fish. I recommend migrating to swampy areas and avoiding worms.
Aries 3/21-4/19
According to the Internet, you are ruled by Mars. Now might be the time to apply for one of those one-way Mars colony trips.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
Got milk? No, of course not, Taurus is a bull, not a cow. This week, avoid men in funky outfits with swords and red capes.
Gemini 5/21-6/21
Do you have a long lost twin? If not, chances are one of your socks does. This week, be careful doing your laundry. You’re likely to end up with mismatched socks.
Cancer 6/22-7/22
Crabs are your spirit animal. Avoid seafood this week, and try not to be too irritable.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Make like a lion and roar … or don’t. Your roommates might not appreciate it.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
Apparently, the stars have lots of things to say about your future. All I can add is that you might want to wear a sweatshirt at some point this week.
Libra 9/23-10/22
Libra means “pound” in Latin. Too bad your zodiac isn’t a cool animal. Make up for it by aggressively bragging about your weight.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Scorpions are pretty neat animals. Unfortunately, you are a person, not a poisonous arachnid. Channel some of this stingy energy into your homework.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
The original Sagittarius was a half human, half horse with a bow. Good luck living up to that this week.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Your sign is a goat. Goats might not seem very exciting, but many of them live in the mountains and some eat tin cans. We do not recommend trying this at home.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Your zodiac sign is named after a young boy Jupiter allegedly kidnapped and forced into slavery. Let’s stick with the lighter meaning of the word though. Look out for Pisces, they might just be the fish to your tank.