Virgo 8/23-9/22
Take time to smell the roses today. Then steal the roses, so no one else can have them. MWAHAHAHA!
Libra 9/23-10/22
Soon, some fool will advise you to shoot the moon. Ignore them. After all, what did the poor moon do to you?
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Swim with dolphins, dance with wolves and get in your full gambit of animal-related exercise.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Tuesday will present you with the opportunity to wear plaid. For the love of God, don’t. It will lead to your doom.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
This is Moscow, not Sparta. Try not to be sad.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
The fate of the universe de- pends on you ending your next conversation with, “So long and thanks for all the fish.” Don’t question it. It is what fate has decreed.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Viva la vie. Don’t know what that means? Time to learn a new language this week.
Aries 3/21-4/19
I see with my little eye … something white, red and covered in purple spots. Boy, your future sure looks confusing.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
This week brings great surprises, fortune and love. If you procrastinate you will miss out.
Gemini 5/21-6/21
Your tired, lagging steps makes you resemble a member of the walking dead. Rest up or else you will be the latest zombie casualty.
Cancer 6/22-7/22
You will have a terrible feeling that something, somewhere is watching you. Don’t worry, it’s just a fedora. An evil, evil fedora.
Leo 7/23-8/22
I hate to break it to you, but it’s not all about that bass. It’s all about trombones. Bit of a let down, isn’t it?